Back again

Holy shit... I've actually forgotten that I have a blog...

Are blogs still relevant?

For those keeping track, I'm already 27. In three years I'll hit 30. I'm feeling really old right now. Not much has changed since I last wrote here, so...yeah. I'm getting really rusty at writing and that's a real shame. I need to do this more often.

That's it for now I guess.

Short story

Been a while huh. So my girl is holding this writing contest for her coursework. I decided to write again. Haahah. Enjoy

A Journey’s End

     He lay there motionless, the cold slowly creeping to his core. He could hear the faint murmurs as the crowd gathers, a siren wailing in the distance. They say that when you’re about to die, your whole life flashes before you, but for this man, all he sees is one person. Auburn hair, soft emerald eyes, lips never without a smile. He holds this image dearly, focusing on a single moment in his life.

     He was holding her hand as he lays in bed. Her hair no longer, her eyes dull and lifeless. She was all too different now. He calls her name ever so softly and a smile broke onto her lips. That’s the smile he loved so very dearly. He feels a tremendous amount of guilt and sadness as she had gone long before him. All those years passed yet he still mourns for her. He still yearns for her touch. He cursed his fate for not being able to see her smile anymore. He breathed his last.

     I appear before him. His time on this plane has come to an end. I held out my hand and he took it. I guided him up to his feet. He looked down at his feet, the flesh that was him moments ago sprawled on the ground, the flowers he brought for her grave scattered. He looked at me with understanding and acceptance. “Will I see her there?” he asked, his voice trembled. I gave a slight nod and gently tug his shaking hand. As we walked to the light, I can hear her voice calling for his name. A gentle warmness envelops us as we step through the gates.

     I couldn’t help but smile. Its moments like this that I don’t hate what I do.

-Miqatsum

Im a human too.

    Recently someone has pulled the ''but you're a teacher'' card on me. Yea. I know. I'm tired of that fucking label. I'm a human too damnit. I'm not a teacher 24/7. I have my personality. And i damn well have my own me time. Why the fuck do i have to be pressed by the label of a teacher. Owh, I'm a teacher, i can't be myself on my own time? Owh, I'm a teacher, i have to be perfect, reflecting the aesthetics of a teacher all the fucking time? I can't curse. I can't have any fun. I have to be a perfect fucking role model every fucking second of my life? I have to bow my head SYMP all the fucking time? Is that it? Is that all i am?

No one's gonna consider the person behind the fucking label? I ain't worth shit if im not a teacher? I don't matter if i ain't a teacher?

Yea sure. I can fake it. I do it at school. Why don't i fucking do it all the time all my life. X susah pon kan. Easy. Cikgu kan. Xkan xboleh buat. We're just robots for the nation kan.

Salutations

Holy shit it's been a while...

Welp hello there anyone who's reading this. My apologies for not writing here in like...a year I guess...

Don't really got time to write stuff more than a few lines. Still...it's nice to write again. School is very stressful. But one good thing happened recently is that my girls hockey team won the district championship. That's cool. Sacrificed loads for that team. To finally get somewhere, it's a really good feeling. Winning something instead of always losing is quite refreshing. Welp... That's all the time i got.

Jaa ne.

Life

Life...
I really start to reexamine my life when people who are close to me took another step in their life. This realization that I tried to push down, dawned on me when my sister got married. I got nothing against my brother in law, but the moment they got married, I lost a lil part of my ohana. She took on the role of a wife, and I see her less and less. She's got a whole new life now... the person who I knew my whole life. My sister. I miss the time when she was only my sister. Mine.

And now, my cousin, my brother in arms, a dude who I really get along with (which is rare), whom I admired, the dude who was reckless and way more matured than I will ever be, has taken the next step. He got engaged. Congrats bro, I honestly feel happy for ya.

But somehow, im sad. Where am I in life? Haven't got a job. Have no money to my name. Still childish as hell... it got me thinking.
I was once so sure of my life. So confident of my path. That all changed when she betrayed me. I got lost. And being lost for sowords long changes you...

I trust a little less. I believe a little less.

Im already 24... and hell, im still a mess. What the fuck am I doing with my life...

'That's their road love, not yours'

Yeah... I know... but it still made me wonder.. what could've been... I've wasted 4 years of my life chasing something that I thought I wanted... and one word that could describe my feelings rite now is...

...abandoned.

Words could never truly reveal what is hidden behind this shattered ruins of what once was a heart. I will now and forevermore swallow my words, and keep moving on through this sickening, muddy life.

Saraba

another chapter.....

hey peeps... what up.
Not much to say really... just feel like writing stuff up.
Just last week i had the SPP interview.. which was a huge deal.
The weeks leading up to the interview was honestly the most nerve wrecking time of my life (so far)
Usually, I would be indifferent to the happenings that happens around me, wearing my fake smile and acting like nothing was wrong with the world. But this time, i was really shaken. I didn't sleep well, and even if i did, i'd have nightmares. I was SCARED. The interview would determine whether i'd be posted or not.
The info coming in about the probable questions for the interview really didn't help. It only made me feel even more inadequate in terms of knowledge. The predicted questions are factual and some of it are current issues. How current are we talking bout here? The last few months? Era of the Razak Report? TN50? National Educational Blueprint? DLP? See what i'm spouting off here? I mean like one of the predicted question was "how does rain form". Random much?
The uncertainties of the range of questions really stressed me out. Like come on, what does teaching english got to do with rain? In normal conditions, i have faith that i can spin out some bullshit to give an approximately accurate answer but under the circumstances of an interview? i'd be aaa.. aaa.. aaa..
I don't work well under pressure, so does everyone else. Im only human... (cue christina perri song)
And another thing. The name of the ministers and ministry in full. All the dato, dr, yb, tan sri, etc.

I HAVE A WEAKASS MEMORY, PEOPLE!

and im suppose to memorize all their names? Heck, i can't even remember my lecturers' names for crying out loud. Thus explaining my mental state at the moment. So much uncertainties, so many things to cover. Can you guess what i did? NOTHING. That's right. I did nothing. I was too stressed out to do anything so i just focused on my outfit for the interview and the documents, the things that i can control. And i look hella fineee, if i say so myself. Don't believe me? Look look look...

  

 

 my...my.... who is that handsome devil? Owh shit, rite. Back to the story. 

THE INTERVIEW.

i woke up at 5.15. on the very first alarm. and i think to myself. Me waking up on the first alarm, that's some ominous shit rite there. So the time that i have, i spent calming myself and trying to be positive. And then the wait. Shit, the wait was unbearable. The interview was done in sessions, each sessions 5-6 people would go in. It was a group interview, thus vamping up the ante even more. The interview was suppose to start at 7.30 and well, Malaysians, what do you expect... it started around 8 something. (was too nervous to look at the watch.) It was not until 9.15 that i was called with 4 other people. By the time i was called, i had pretty much calmed down but i was literally shaking standing in front of the door before being let in. The first thing we had to do was introduce ourselves and we did. I almost bit my tongue trying to get words outta my mouth. 

and then it happened. One of the interviewee volunteered to give answers at the same time as me and the polite dance of "go ahead..its okeyh...you first..." actually made me laugh a lil. And everything was smooth sailing from then on. By the end of the interview, i can even make jokes with these strangers. The questions asked were relatively easy, geared towards opinions and ideas rather than facts. Well, that really helped. A LOT. When the interview was over, and we all stepped out of the room, wanna know what's the first thing i said? "Menyesal je stress seminggu"

I was honestly relieved. that part was done. Now what's left is to await the results and prepare for a new chapter in my life...

what? You think this post is about giving tips to people who are going to interview? Hell no... im a selfish, self centered son of a gun remember... every post is all about me.

owh yeah. Hats off to the sumandak who kept level headed all throughout the worst week of my life so far. 

dosvedanya.

Changes.

So hey... been a while dear blog thingy.

Recently, there have been quite a few major changes in my life. One of em is that i am now unemployed. Wu hoo!
Upside: got a whole lot of time for myself.
Downside: im broke af.

I managed to finish my studies (somehow...im not sure) and now im awaiting interview and hopefully posting. Here's hoping.

Another major change is that i found a cute lil junior to keep me company. Well... that's last year's story. Now its ex junior? Hmmm... Well anyways, she's a real weird kid. Just the way i like it. Hahahahaha

Some backstory: She's from Sabah, lives in a cave surrounded by thick jungle. She loves her monkey neighbors.

Pfttt.... Kidding. She's a real cool chick. A bit of a loner (just like me) and have a real stupid sense of humor. She's a real piece of work. And to top it off, she's cute as f**k! And she's short! Well, not midget short. That'd just be weird (no offense to midgets). And man does she have curves.... *mouthwatering*

Another big change is that i managed to maintain my weight. I ain't a stick figure/living skeleton anymore. Yeayyyyy.

Well that's all for now. Adieu.

He.

He loved. Every single time.
He gave his all, held nothing back
and every time he ends up broken and hurt.

He convinced his tattered heart
too many times, he lost count
for each hit he took he wondered when will it be his last.

He loved. Every single time.
Yet for every time he loved
a piece of him will die, lost and never found.

He often told his reflection
to keep his chin up, smile
and steady his trembling heart.

He loved. Every single time.
The only way he knew how
raw, without restraints.

He loved with all he had. Everything.
And now, he has no more.

History - One Direction

You gotta help me, I'm losing my mind
Keep getting the feeling you wanna leave this all behind
Thought we were going strong
I thought we were holding on
Aren't we?

No, they don't teach you this in school
Now my heart's breaking and I don't know what to do
Thought we were going strong
Thought we were holding on
Aren't we?

You and me got a whole lot of history (oh)
We could be the greatest team that the world has ever seen
You and me got a whole lot of history (oh)
So don't let it go, we can make some more, we can live forever

All of the rumors, all of the fights
But we always find a way to make it out alive
Thought we were going strong
Thought we were holding on
Aren't we?

You and me got a whole lot of history (oh)
We could be the greatest team that the world has ever seen
You and me got a whole lot of history (oh)
So don't let it go, we can make some more, we can live forever

Mini bars, expensive cars, hotel rooms, and new tattoos
And the good champagne, and private planes, but they don't mean anything
'Cause the truth is out, I realize that without you here life is just a lie
This is not the end
This is not the end
We can make it, you know it, you know

You and me got a whole lot of history (oh)
We could be the greatest team that the world has ever seen
You and me got a whole lot of history (oh)
So don't let it go, we can make some more, we can live forever

You and me got a whole lot of history (oh)
We could be the greatest team that the world has ever seen
You and me got a whole lot of history (oh)
So don't let it go, we can make some more, we can live forever

So don't let me go
So don't let me go

We can live forever

Baby don't you know
Baby don't you know

We can live forever

What he was.

He was a hero,
facing the whole world in her name
he was a villain,
tormenting torturing her soul
he was a giver,
for every bit of his heart he gave her
he was a thief,
for his happiness stole hers

He was invincible,
he believed nothing could hurt him
he was broken,
irreparable, utterly, broken

He was a lot of things...
But in the end, love, at the very end...

He was a boy.
Yearning for the love.
Of a girl who was once his world.

I'll keep on functioning.

Today, i went on a lil outing with the whole family, you know, actually going out and going to places with a lot of people. Its been a while since i had to meet people.

At first, it was fine. It was actually kinda fun. Looking at people, silently judging them from afar. But at one point, I felt lonely. I mean, really lonely. Reason? The number of couples are too damn high. Yeah, I'll admit it. I never did recover. Im still broken. But today, the loneliness was unbearable. I was depressed even. I tried my best to conceal it. But my big sis picked up on my mood. After denying i had problems and changed the topic, i forced myself to be the cheerful and childish idiot that everybody sees.

It was hard, but i manage to pull it off somehow. I'm still able to push down every single emotion i have. Somehow, im still able to function.

Somehow....
But honestly, i don't think i can do this anymore...

Da futureee

Do i think about the future? Yes. Yes i do. Every single day in fact. But it doesn't last too long. Too many uncertainties, too many things could go wrong. I guess to me, there's no point in worrying too much.

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" my mom once asked...
I just shrugged. Probably doing the same thing as I'm doing right now. Worrying. Contemplating. Hoping.

Hah! Hope. That's one word i haven't used in a while. What's there to hope when all hope is lost? But yes. Deep inside, very deep inside. Right next to the chasm that used to hold a heart, there's a little glimmer of hope. For what? I do not know. Back to the topic.

Where do i see myself in 5 years. I honestly don't know. But what i know is this:

1. I probably won't be in jail.
2. Would have enough money to support myself at least.
3. Still be the immature prick (shit, I'm 23 and still haven't mature yet, wtf?!)
4. Own a car. I mean cat. Well... a car's a lot less responsibility, so definitely a car.
5. Cure my hatred towards kids (a long shot, i know)
6. Have a smokin hot body (highly unlikely)
7. .....dammit, im running out of ideas.
8.
9.
10. Move on?

So yeah.... my life is a mystery. I like to surprise myself.

Due to recent events, im slowly beginning to be the victim of that stupid question.
Don't understand? Here, let me enlighten you.

My sister got engaged last year. So yeah... the cliche question "...qimi bile pulak?"
Dammit.
Who in their right mind would choose me?? Honestly... im a wreck. People without proper training wouldn't even last a day. Even if you can somehow tolerate me, i don't think anyone would ever fit the list...

What list? Now wouldn't you wanna know.....
The list of things i find attractive and a must have. The list existed after the last breakup. Yeah, that one.. the messy one, the one with blood and tears... jog your memory yet?

So, back to the list.
No, im not gonna show you the list. Not now at least.
The list is somewhat of a guideline. Not an actual rule. And that's all i have to say about that.

Yeah3, i know im way of point here, but it still connects with the theme.

With all things said and done, my future is still very uncertain. Well, who's is? All we can do is sit back, and enjoy the show...

Jaa nee

When I'm gone.

When I'm gone,
after all the years passed
tell someone about me.
Tell them how i was once yours,
and how you were once mine.

For i could not bare to think
that I've vanished from your world,
tossed away in your silent graveyard
where all our dreams lie
never again to see light.

When I'm gone,
after all the years passed
tell someone about me.
Tell them how i was once yours,
and how you were once mine.

It hurts, i know
but I've been hurt all the while
to see my future taken away
while i was left behind to rot,
broken. Inside and out.

When I'm gone,
after all the years passed
tell someone about me.
Tell them how i was once yours,
and how you were once mine.

How i was once your world,
which you have mistook me for.
I was only the moon, i can't shine
on my own. Destined to forever
float around your gravity.

When I'm gone,
after all the years passed
tell someone about me.
Tell them how i was once yours,
and how you were once mine.

My dear, this is the last request,
lock away the memories of me
in a box, and throw it in the
darkest deepest part of your heart.
Unreachable. Untouched.

But the keys keep safe
for whenever you feel alone
in this barren world,
know that there was once someone
who loved you no matter what.

When I'm gone,
tell someone about me.

- Miqa (20/10/2015)

Heartless is me.

What up.. you know, I've been heartless for as long as i can remember.
I didn't really care for anything that doesn't concern me. Heartless and self centered.
But people often mistaken me for being invincible. Me, invincible? Far from it.
Some things does get to me. And for me, a guy who builds walls and act as he doesn't care, when it hurts, it cuts deep.
Sometimes my feelings would show. I couldn't conceal them too well i guess. Because at times, keeping it together is more important than keeping a poker face.

I actually do have a heart. It's thin, its fragile, and its vulnerable. If not for these walls I've built, I'd be a crybaby, a sissy lil bitch, incapable of managing my own feelings.

So when it comes to topics that involves the heart, like love and so on... it really cuts deep. When i choose to love, its passionate, its fierce, it's raw, and its everything i have and know. I used to think my core was anger and hatred. But its actually love. To build these walls, i loved those feelings. Anger keeps me going. Hatred keeps me from getting hurt again. That's how i mange to tick i guess.

But experience had thought me one thing. These walls that I've built, I'm gonna keep holding on to them. I've let someone in, and look how it turns out. Me broken and shattered.
Frankly, after all the shit i've gone through, i'm a dumbass for even considering to change my ways, or letting someone change me. I should've stick to being an insensitive prick all those years ago.
Showing no mercy, living for nothing but myself. Sure, life had less meaning, but heck, it spares me from the pain.

But I've changed too much. Im not as strong as i used to be. Things that hurt me and could hurt me are piling up. And thanks the change I've been through, I don't think im able to face em alone. I used to be a lone wolf dammit... and settling into that lifestyle again is not an easy thing to do. But I'm tryin. As long as im alone, nothing can hurt me. Just like it was when this all started.

So, a message to dear future me. If you ever read this, and think that you haven't become strong enough, haven't build walls high enough, you better work fast buddy. Time's a tickin. You won't be able to withstand another direct blow. Get your act together kora!

That's all for now. Class dismissed

Blogception

So right now, im writing this post while attending a blog writing seminar...
Don't get me wrong, I ain't a participant nor am i the facilitator.
I'm just a visitor....

Soo.... one of the question asked by the speaker is why did you start blogging/what's the purpose.
My first answer was....shit. I can't even remember why i started to blog... and honestly, im too damn lazy to scroll down all my posts...

And to answer the second question, my answer is..... (drumroll please)

Im too ugly for a vlog.

That's all folks.

All that is left

You took away my love,
now I can't let anyone know
that all there is left for me,
is hatred and sorrow.

Broken mask.

Some people say that I'm strong. How I handled things, how i cope, without a soul to turn to. Some see me as a happy and carefree lad, who's only concern is what he's gonna eat next.

Truth be told, i am none of the above. Simply put, I'm just a wanderer, a lost cause, an empty vessel. I need to put up a front. A disguise. A facade. Until even I believe in the lies i crafted.

But at times, these masks will crack. I am only human.

This is such a time.

"I'll hide behind these masks you see
until it becomes a part of me..."

Tear in my heart - Twenty One Pilot

Sometimes you've got to bleed to know,
That you're alive and have a soul,
But it takes someone to come around to show you how.

She's the tear in my heart, I'm alive,
She's the tear in my heart, I'm on fire,
She's the tear in my heart, Take me higher,
Than I've ever been.

The songs on the radio are ok,
But my taste in music is your face,
And it takes a song to come around to show you how.

She's the tear in my heart, I'm alive,
She's the tear in my heart, I'm on fire,
She's the tear in my heart, Take me higher,
Than I've ever been.

Than I've ever been
Than I've ever been
Than I've ever been

You fell asleep in my car, I drove the whole time,
But that's ok, I'll just avoid the holes so you sleep fine,
I'm driving here I sit, cursing my government,
For not using my taxes to fill holes with more cement.

You fell asleep in my car, I drove the whole time,
But that's ok, I'll just avoid the holes so you sleep fine,
I'm driving here I sit, cursing my government,
For not using my taxes to fill holes with more cement.

Sometimes you've got to bleed to know,
That you're alive and have a soul,
But it takes someone to come around to show you how.

She's the tear in my heart, I'm alive,
She's the tear in my heart, I'm on fire,
She's the tear in my heart, Take me higher,
Than I've ever been.

My heart is my armor,
She's the tear in my heart, she's a carver,
She's a butcher with a smile, cut me farther,
Than I've ever been.

Than I've ever been
Than I've ever been
Than I've ever been

My heart is my armor,
She's the tear in my heart, she's a carver,
She's a butcher with a smile, cut me farther,
Than I've ever been.

Past Present Future

What up dear blob... yes. Blob.

My topic for today are the 3 states one would always have. The past, the present, the future.

My past? Well. It ain't all rainbows and sunshine. I've had my fair share of hell. And truth be told? I really despise my past. Currently. My past reminded me of how i was, how much I've changed. The things I've lost. Come to think of it, its pretty bleak most of the time. Childhood was pretty easy. I got a sister to look after me, keep me company. My teenage years are somewhat challenging... with the journey of self discovery and such. Getting an identity is harder on some. All in all, it was a entertaining, i guess.
But adulthood? Man, that shit is pretty messed up as far as i know. So far, my adult life started with the biggest mistake of my life (so far). Yeah, im prone to fuck things up eventually and my point was proven repeatedly. The depression, the acting-like-you're-ok-while-your-life-gets-screwed, the emptiness. So yeah. Adulthood rocks.

Anyway... the future on the other hand, is full of uncertainty. The impending burden, tell tale signs of of up coming fuck up, it'll leave you depressed if not even more depressed. Knowing what's to come, isn't helping to get things easier.

So, by process of elimination, the present should be the best you'll ever have. So live in it. Frankly, i just don't have the energy to give a fuck anymore. It's not that I don't care, sometimes i do, sometimes some things still irritates the fuck outta me, but I ain't got the energy to actually give a fuck

In the end, it boils down to just taking one fucking step at a time.

And just live.

See ya, ya bastards...

Payback.

Have you ever heard of the phrase life's a bitch or payback's a bitch? Basically, everything's a bitch.

My point of today is focusing on payback. The chances of payback sometimes presents itself, all juicy and plump, ready for the picking.

But sometimes, you gotta be bigger than that and hold it in. To let the opportunity slide is something very hard to do, to me personally.
I had to muster a lot of self control to let this sweet, sweet opportunity for revenge past buy. The voices in my head are screaming and cursing me for what i did, or to be exact of what i did not do.

But hey. Im over petty vengeance. I will keep my head held high.

Hey, don't get the wrong idea. You're gonna get what's coming to you. But the question is when and how. I ain't no saint.

Ja nee...