Heartless is me.

What up.. you know, I've been heartless for as long as i can remember.
I didn't really care for anything that doesn't concern me. Heartless and self centered.
But people often mistaken me for being invincible. Me, invincible? Far from it.
Some things does get to me. And for me, a guy who builds walls and act as he doesn't care, when it hurts, it cuts deep.
Sometimes my feelings would show. I couldn't conceal them too well i guess. Because at times, keeping it together is more important than keeping a poker face.

I actually do have a heart. It's thin, its fragile, and its vulnerable. If not for these walls I've built, I'd be a crybaby, a sissy lil bitch, incapable of managing my own feelings.

So when it comes to topics that involves the heart, like love and so on... it really cuts deep. When i choose to love, its passionate, its fierce, it's raw, and its everything i have and know. I used to think my core was anger and hatred. But its actually love. To build these walls, i loved those feelings. Anger keeps me going. Hatred keeps me from getting hurt again. That's how i mange to tick i guess.

But experience had thought me one thing. These walls that I've built, I'm gonna keep holding on to them. I've let someone in, and look how it turns out. Me broken and shattered.
Frankly, after all the shit i've gone through, i'm a dumbass for even considering to change my ways, or letting someone change me. I should've stick to being an insensitive prick all those years ago.
Showing no mercy, living for nothing but myself. Sure, life had less meaning, but heck, it spares me from the pain.

But I've changed too much. Im not as strong as i used to be. Things that hurt me and could hurt me are piling up. And thanks the change I've been through, I don't think im able to face em alone. I used to be a lone wolf dammit... and settling into that lifestyle again is not an easy thing to do. But I'm tryin. As long as im alone, nothing can hurt me. Just like it was when this all started.

So, a message to dear future me. If you ever read this, and think that you haven't become strong enough, haven't build walls high enough, you better work fast buddy. Time's a tickin. You won't be able to withstand another direct blow. Get your act together kora!

That's all for now. Class dismissed