I'll keep on functioning.

Today, i went on a lil outing with the whole family, you know, actually going out and going to places with a lot of people. Its been a while since i had to meet people.

At first, it was fine. It was actually kinda fun. Looking at people, silently judging them from afar. But at one point, I felt lonely. I mean, really lonely. Reason? The number of couples are too damn high. Yeah, I'll admit it. I never did recover. Im still broken. But today, the loneliness was unbearable. I was depressed even. I tried my best to conceal it. But my big sis picked up on my mood. After denying i had problems and changed the topic, i forced myself to be the cheerful and childish idiot that everybody sees.

It was hard, but i manage to pull it off somehow. I'm still able to push down every single emotion i have. Somehow, im still able to function.

Somehow....
But honestly, i don't think i can do this anymore...

Da futureee

Do i think about the future? Yes. Yes i do. Every single day in fact. But it doesn't last too long. Too many uncertainties, too many things could go wrong. I guess to me, there's no point in worrying too much.

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" my mom once asked...
I just shrugged. Probably doing the same thing as I'm doing right now. Worrying. Contemplating. Hoping.

Hah! Hope. That's one word i haven't used in a while. What's there to hope when all hope is lost? But yes. Deep inside, very deep inside. Right next to the chasm that used to hold a heart, there's a little glimmer of hope. For what? I do not know. Back to the topic.

Where do i see myself in 5 years. I honestly don't know. But what i know is this:

1. I probably won't be in jail.
2. Would have enough money to support myself at least.
3. Still be the immature prick (shit, I'm 23 and still haven't mature yet, wtf?!)
4. Own a car. I mean cat. Well... a car's a lot less responsibility, so definitely a car.
5. Cure my hatred towards kids (a long shot, i know)
6. Have a smokin hot body (highly unlikely)
7. .....dammit, im running out of ideas.
8.
9.
10. Move on?

So yeah.... my life is a mystery. I like to surprise myself.

Due to recent events, im slowly beginning to be the victim of that stupid question.
Don't understand? Here, let me enlighten you.

My sister got engaged last year. So yeah... the cliche question "...qimi bile pulak?"
Dammit.
Who in their right mind would choose me?? Honestly... im a wreck. People without proper training wouldn't even last a day. Even if you can somehow tolerate me, i don't think anyone would ever fit the list...

What list? Now wouldn't you wanna know.....
The list of things i find attractive and a must have. The list existed after the last breakup. Yeah, that one.. the messy one, the one with blood and tears... jog your memory yet?

So, back to the list.
No, im not gonna show you the list. Not now at least.
The list is somewhat of a guideline. Not an actual rule. And that's all i have to say about that.

Yeah3, i know im way of point here, but it still connects with the theme.

With all things said and done, my future is still very uncertain. Well, who's is? All we can do is sit back, and enjoy the show...

Jaa nee

When I'm gone.

When I'm gone,
after all the years passed
tell someone about me.
Tell them how i was once yours,
and how you were once mine.

For i could not bare to think
that I've vanished from your world,
tossed away in your silent graveyard
where all our dreams lie
never again to see light.

When I'm gone,
after all the years passed
tell someone about me.
Tell them how i was once yours,
and how you were once mine.

It hurts, i know
but I've been hurt all the while
to see my future taken away
while i was left behind to rot,
broken. Inside and out.

When I'm gone,
after all the years passed
tell someone about me.
Tell them how i was once yours,
and how you were once mine.

How i was once your world,
which you have mistook me for.
I was only the moon, i can't shine
on my own. Destined to forever
float around your gravity.

When I'm gone,
after all the years passed
tell someone about me.
Tell them how i was once yours,
and how you were once mine.

My dear, this is the last request,
lock away the memories of me
in a box, and throw it in the
darkest deepest part of your heart.
Unreachable. Untouched.

But the keys keep safe
for whenever you feel alone
in this barren world,
know that there was once someone
who loved you no matter what.

When I'm gone,
tell someone about me.

- Miqa (20/10/2015)

Heartless is me.

What up.. you know, I've been heartless for as long as i can remember.
I didn't really care for anything that doesn't concern me. Heartless and self centered.
But people often mistaken me for being invincible. Me, invincible? Far from it.
Some things does get to me. And for me, a guy who builds walls and act as he doesn't care, when it hurts, it cuts deep.
Sometimes my feelings would show. I couldn't conceal them too well i guess. Because at times, keeping it together is more important than keeping a poker face.

I actually do have a heart. It's thin, its fragile, and its vulnerable. If not for these walls I've built, I'd be a crybaby, a sissy lil bitch, incapable of managing my own feelings.

So when it comes to topics that involves the heart, like love and so on... it really cuts deep. When i choose to love, its passionate, its fierce, it's raw, and its everything i have and know. I used to think my core was anger and hatred. But its actually love. To build these walls, i loved those feelings. Anger keeps me going. Hatred keeps me from getting hurt again. That's how i mange to tick i guess.

But experience had thought me one thing. These walls that I've built, I'm gonna keep holding on to them. I've let someone in, and look how it turns out. Me broken and shattered.
Frankly, after all the shit i've gone through, i'm a dumbass for even considering to change my ways, or letting someone change me. I should've stick to being an insensitive prick all those years ago.
Showing no mercy, living for nothing but myself. Sure, life had less meaning, but heck, it spares me from the pain.

But I've changed too much. Im not as strong as i used to be. Things that hurt me and could hurt me are piling up. And thanks the change I've been through, I don't think im able to face em alone. I used to be a lone wolf dammit... and settling into that lifestyle again is not an easy thing to do. But I'm tryin. As long as im alone, nothing can hurt me. Just like it was when this all started.

So, a message to dear future me. If you ever read this, and think that you haven't become strong enough, haven't build walls high enough, you better work fast buddy. Time's a tickin. You won't be able to withstand another direct blow. Get your act together kora!

That's all for now. Class dismissed

Blogception

So right now, im writing this post while attending a blog writing seminar...
Don't get me wrong, I ain't a participant nor am i the facilitator.
I'm just a visitor....

Soo.... one of the question asked by the speaker is why did you start blogging/what's the purpose.
My first answer was....shit. I can't even remember why i started to blog... and honestly, im too damn lazy to scroll down all my posts...

And to answer the second question, my answer is..... (drumroll please)

Im too ugly for a vlog.

That's all folks.

All that is left

You took away my love,
now I can't let anyone know
that all there is left for me,
is hatred and sorrow.

Broken mask.

Some people say that I'm strong. How I handled things, how i cope, without a soul to turn to. Some see me as a happy and carefree lad, who's only concern is what he's gonna eat next.

Truth be told, i am none of the above. Simply put, I'm just a wanderer, a lost cause, an empty vessel. I need to put up a front. A disguise. A facade. Until even I believe in the lies i crafted.

But at times, these masks will crack. I am only human.

This is such a time.

"I'll hide behind these masks you see
until it becomes a part of me..."

Tear in my heart - Twenty One Pilot

Sometimes you've got to bleed to know,
That you're alive and have a soul,
But it takes someone to come around to show you how.

She's the tear in my heart, I'm alive,
She's the tear in my heart, I'm on fire,
She's the tear in my heart, Take me higher,
Than I've ever been.

The songs on the radio are ok,
But my taste in music is your face,
And it takes a song to come around to show you how.

She's the tear in my heart, I'm alive,
She's the tear in my heart, I'm on fire,
She's the tear in my heart, Take me higher,
Than I've ever been.

Than I've ever been
Than I've ever been
Than I've ever been

You fell asleep in my car, I drove the whole time,
But that's ok, I'll just avoid the holes so you sleep fine,
I'm driving here I sit, cursing my government,
For not using my taxes to fill holes with more cement.

You fell asleep in my car, I drove the whole time,
But that's ok, I'll just avoid the holes so you sleep fine,
I'm driving here I sit, cursing my government,
For not using my taxes to fill holes with more cement.

Sometimes you've got to bleed to know,
That you're alive and have a soul,
But it takes someone to come around to show you how.

She's the tear in my heart, I'm alive,
She's the tear in my heart, I'm on fire,
She's the tear in my heart, Take me higher,
Than I've ever been.

My heart is my armor,
She's the tear in my heart, she's a carver,
She's a butcher with a smile, cut me farther,
Than I've ever been.

Than I've ever been
Than I've ever been
Than I've ever been

My heart is my armor,
She's the tear in my heart, she's a carver,
She's a butcher with a smile, cut me farther,
Than I've ever been.

Past Present Future

What up dear blob... yes. Blob.

My topic for today are the 3 states one would always have. The past, the present, the future.

My past? Well. It ain't all rainbows and sunshine. I've had my fair share of hell. And truth be told? I really despise my past. Currently. My past reminded me of how i was, how much I've changed. The things I've lost. Come to think of it, its pretty bleak most of the time. Childhood was pretty easy. I got a sister to look after me, keep me company. My teenage years are somewhat challenging... with the journey of self discovery and such. Getting an identity is harder on some. All in all, it was a entertaining, i guess.
But adulthood? Man, that shit is pretty messed up as far as i know. So far, my adult life started with the biggest mistake of my life (so far). Yeah, im prone to fuck things up eventually and my point was proven repeatedly. The depression, the acting-like-you're-ok-while-your-life-gets-screwed, the emptiness. So yeah. Adulthood rocks.

Anyway... the future on the other hand, is full of uncertainty. The impending burden, tell tale signs of of up coming fuck up, it'll leave you depressed if not even more depressed. Knowing what's to come, isn't helping to get things easier.

So, by process of elimination, the present should be the best you'll ever have. So live in it. Frankly, i just don't have the energy to give a fuck anymore. It's not that I don't care, sometimes i do, sometimes some things still irritates the fuck outta me, but I ain't got the energy to actually give a fuck

In the end, it boils down to just taking one fucking step at a time.

And just live.

See ya, ya bastards...

Payback.

Have you ever heard of the phrase life's a bitch or payback's a bitch? Basically, everything's a bitch.

My point of today is focusing on payback. The chances of payback sometimes presents itself, all juicy and plump, ready for the picking.

But sometimes, you gotta be bigger than that and hold it in. To let the opportunity slide is something very hard to do, to me personally.
I had to muster a lot of self control to let this sweet, sweet opportunity for revenge past buy. The voices in my head are screaming and cursing me for what i did, or to be exact of what i did not do.

But hey. Im over petty vengeance. I will keep my head held high.

Hey, don't get the wrong idea. You're gonna get what's coming to you. But the question is when and how. I ain't no saint.

Ja nee...

Never forget

I've forgotten how it felt,
to have you by my side

I've forgotten how it was,
to have a goal, a purpose

I've forgotten what it's like,
to be whole and complete

I've forgotten where i was,
where i am, where i should be

I've forgotten a lot of things, to say the least
but i'll never forget the ones who leaves.

-miqatsum

(12/10/2015)

What up mofos...

as the title states..... what up...
it's been a hell of a time since i last written here
loads of stuff had happened
honestly, A LOT.

so being the dedicated blogger that i am (fuck, who the hell reads my blogs anyway), i think im gonna start writing again...
short accounts of my daily life, NoI thoughts, some pictures if i feel like it...
this will be my outlet..
i think.

well fuck it... im at the point where i don't give a damn anymore.
in light of recent events, one might think that i would delete this blog due to the various history of this...thing.
well guess what.

IM STILL A STUBBORN M*****F*****.

nothing is going to be deleted.


muahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.....

ehem, where was i?
 oh yeah. blogger.
from time to time im not gonna be able to write s**t
so................

to anyone reading this, don't.

see ya some other time dear blog.

saraba.

Time

There will be a time,

when I would be able to sincerely smile

the light sparkling in my eyes again.

There will be a time,

when I would be able to laugh

joyous and unrestraint

There will be a time,

when people ask me if I’m fine

I can answer without lying

There will be a time,

when I would be able to ignore

the emptiness, the gaping void

There will be a time,

when I can be alone

without feeling the clinging loneliness

There will be a time,

when I can enjoy the warm sun

melting the frigid darkness

There will be a time,

when I could go a day

without thinking of what could have been

There will be a time,

when I will be able to look you in the eyes

and do not see the memories

do not feel resentment.

There will be the time…

- Miqatsum

Chains that bind

I'm in a deep dark place. I've got too much anger, too much hatred inside me that I'm desperately trying to push down. These chains that once held me in place, made me feel like home, are now the ones that tearing up my skin. Cutting through my flesh and leaving bloodied wounds and rust. In this darkness, I so desperately pretend to still have a shred of light in me, a beacon of hope. But in truth, it's pitch black in here. No hope. No ray of light.

And frankly, day by day, I'm seeing less and less of a reason to keep going, keep fighting. It would be much easier to give into the dark. Let it consume me. I lost my fangs. I lost my sight. I've got nothing left in me.

You know about the 'losing the fight but not the war'? Well, tough luck. I lost every single fight, and will keep losing. War? Fuck that shit. This is a bloody massacre. Cloak and dagger shit filled with betrayal and lies.

That's how it is. I got nothing left. No one's gonna save me. No one's gonna tell me it's gonna be alright. No one's gonna ask me if I'm okey.

Save me.

Sleepless nights and endless nightmare

These few days, i haven't been sleeping well. It's not because of the insomnia or the sleeping disorder that i have. It's because of the nightmares.

A few nights ago, i had a dream where I was alone in an empty space. Darkness all around me. At first i didn't feel anything, i thought that I was used to being alone. Then, the rush of emotions hit me like a big freakin truck. Fear, uncertainty, loneliness, betrayal, hatred, anger. All those dark feelings bubbled up and echo around the dark and empty space. Deafening. Covering my ears did nothing. Screams of despair rattled my very bones.

And then, there was silence.

I woke up with tears streaming down my cheeks.

Well that's all folks, next time i'll write about the murder dream I had last night...

Jas ne.

Ongoing

"...a single tear rolls lazily on his cheek from his left eye. Slowly at first. The past can be can be cruel to the future. He tilted his head upwards, trying to stop himself from shedding more tears. The effort of keeping himself strong was to no avail. He shudders as the tears stream down his cloudy eyes. What could have...what should have...in his heart, he knew that those lines of thought was meaningless. As he walks by, his head down in defeat, people will say.. there goes the man who went through hell and back..."

So... what's up readers. I've been away for wayyyy too long. In my spare time I have, (not that i have a lot of them, honestly) I really haven't been thinking of writing here. Why? Cause I was writing elsewhere, thats why.

Remembered when I said i was going to write a book? Well guess what...i still haven't given up! Hahaha. Shocking isn't it. The progress was slow, but hell, im gonna finish this book if its the last thing I do dammnit.

Damn. I'm gonna be busy for a while. See ya!