Heartless is me.

What up.. you know, I've been heartless for as long as i can remember.
I didn't really care for anything that doesn't concern me. Heartless and self centered.
But people often mistaken me for being invincible. Me, invincible? Far from it.
Some things does get to me. And for me, a guy who builds walls and act as he doesn't care, when it hurts, it cuts deep.
Sometimes my feelings would show. I couldn't conceal them too well i guess. Because at times, keeping it together is more important than keeping a poker face.

I actually do have a heart. It's thin, its fragile, and its vulnerable. If not for these walls I've built, I'd be a crybaby, a sissy lil bitch, incapable of managing my own feelings.

So when it comes to topics that involves the heart, like love and so on... it really cuts deep. When i choose to love, its passionate, its fierce, it's raw, and its everything i have and know. I used to think my core was anger and hatred. But its actually love. To build these walls, i loved those feelings. Anger keeps me going. Hatred keeps me from getting hurt again. That's how i mange to tick i guess.

But experience had thought me one thing. These walls that I've built, I'm gonna keep holding on to them. I've let someone in, and look how it turns out. Me broken and shattered.
Frankly, after all the shit i've gone through, i'm a dumbass for even considering to change my ways, or letting someone change me. I should've stick to being an insensitive prick all those years ago.
Showing no mercy, living for nothing but myself. Sure, life had less meaning, but heck, it spares me from the pain.

But I've changed too much. Im not as strong as i used to be. Things that hurt me and could hurt me are piling up. And thanks the change I've been through, I don't think im able to face em alone. I used to be a lone wolf dammit... and settling into that lifestyle again is not an easy thing to do. But I'm tryin. As long as im alone, nothing can hurt me. Just like it was when this all started.

So, a message to dear future me. If you ever read this, and think that you haven't become strong enough, haven't build walls high enough, you better work fast buddy. Time's a tickin. You won't be able to withstand another direct blow. Get your act together kora!

That's all for now. Class dismissed

Blogception

So right now, im writing this post while attending a blog writing seminar...
Don't get me wrong, I ain't a participant nor am i the facilitator.
I'm just a visitor....

Soo.... one of the question asked by the speaker is why did you start blogging/what's the purpose.
My first answer was....shit. I can't even remember why i started to blog... and honestly, im too damn lazy to scroll down all my posts...

And to answer the second question, my answer is..... (drumroll please)

Im too ugly for a vlog.

That's all folks.

All that is left

You took away my love,
now I can't let anyone know
that all there is left for me,
is hatred and sorrow.

Broken mask.

Some people say that I'm strong. How I handled things, how i cope, without a soul to turn to. Some see me as a happy and carefree lad, who's only concern is what he's gonna eat next.

Truth be told, i am none of the above. Simply put, I'm just a wanderer, a lost cause, an empty vessel. I need to put up a front. A disguise. A facade. Until even I believe in the lies i crafted.

But at times, these masks will crack. I am only human.

This is such a time.

"I'll hide behind these masks you see
until it becomes a part of me..."

Tear in my heart - Twenty One Pilot

Sometimes you've got to bleed to know,
That you're alive and have a soul,
But it takes someone to come around to show you how.

She's the tear in my heart, I'm alive,
She's the tear in my heart, I'm on fire,
She's the tear in my heart, Take me higher,
Than I've ever been.

The songs on the radio are ok,
But my taste in music is your face,
And it takes a song to come around to show you how.

She's the tear in my heart, I'm alive,
She's the tear in my heart, I'm on fire,
She's the tear in my heart, Take me higher,
Than I've ever been.

Than I've ever been
Than I've ever been
Than I've ever been

You fell asleep in my car, I drove the whole time,
But that's ok, I'll just avoid the holes so you sleep fine,
I'm driving here I sit, cursing my government,
For not using my taxes to fill holes with more cement.

You fell asleep in my car, I drove the whole time,
But that's ok, I'll just avoid the holes so you sleep fine,
I'm driving here I sit, cursing my government,
For not using my taxes to fill holes with more cement.

Sometimes you've got to bleed to know,
That you're alive and have a soul,
But it takes someone to come around to show you how.

She's the tear in my heart, I'm alive,
She's the tear in my heart, I'm on fire,
She's the tear in my heart, Take me higher,
Than I've ever been.

My heart is my armor,
She's the tear in my heart, she's a carver,
She's a butcher with a smile, cut me farther,
Than I've ever been.

Than I've ever been
Than I've ever been
Than I've ever been

My heart is my armor,
She's the tear in my heart, she's a carver,
She's a butcher with a smile, cut me farther,
Than I've ever been.