Da futureee

Do i think about the future? Yes. Yes i do. Every single day in fact. But it doesn't last too long. Too many uncertainties, too many things could go wrong. I guess to me, there's no point in worrying too much.

"Where do you see yourself in 5 years?" my mom once asked...
I just shrugged. Probably doing the same thing as I'm doing right now. Worrying. Contemplating. Hoping.

Hah! Hope. That's one word i haven't used in a while. What's there to hope when all hope is lost? But yes. Deep inside, very deep inside. Right next to the chasm that used to hold a heart, there's a little glimmer of hope. For what? I do not know. Back to the topic.

Where do i see myself in 5 years. I honestly don't know. But what i know is this:

1. I probably won't be in jail.
2. Would have enough money to support myself at least.
3. Still be the immature prick (shit, I'm 23 and still haven't mature yet, wtf?!)
4. Own a car. I mean cat. Well... a car's a lot less responsibility, so definitely a car.
5. Cure my hatred towards kids (a long shot, i know)
6. Have a smokin hot body (highly unlikely)
7. .....dammit, im running out of ideas.
8.
9.
10. Move on?

So yeah.... my life is a mystery. I like to surprise myself.

Due to recent events, im slowly beginning to be the victim of that stupid question.
Don't understand? Here, let me enlighten you.

My sister got engaged last year. So yeah... the cliche question "...qimi bile pulak?"
Dammit.
Who in their right mind would choose me?? Honestly... im a wreck. People without proper training wouldn't even last a day. Even if you can somehow tolerate me, i don't think anyone would ever fit the list...

What list? Now wouldn't you wanna know.....
The list of things i find attractive and a must have. The list existed after the last breakup. Yeah, that one.. the messy one, the one with blood and tears... jog your memory yet?

So, back to the list.
No, im not gonna show you the list. Not now at least.
The list is somewhat of a guideline. Not an actual rule. And that's all i have to say about that.

Yeah3, i know im way of point here, but it still connects with the theme.

With all things said and done, my future is still very uncertain. Well, who's is? All we can do is sit back, and enjoy the show...

Jaa nee

When I'm gone.

When I'm gone,
after all the years passed
tell someone about me.
Tell them how i was once yours,
and how you were once mine.

For i could not bare to think
that I've vanished from your world,
tossed away in your silent graveyard
where all our dreams lie
never again to see light.

When I'm gone,
after all the years passed
tell someone about me.
Tell them how i was once yours,
and how you were once mine.

It hurts, i know
but I've been hurt all the while
to see my future taken away
while i was left behind to rot,
broken. Inside and out.

When I'm gone,
after all the years passed
tell someone about me.
Tell them how i was once yours,
and how you were once mine.

How i was once your world,
which you have mistook me for.
I was only the moon, i can't shine
on my own. Destined to forever
float around your gravity.

When I'm gone,
after all the years passed
tell someone about me.
Tell them how i was once yours,
and how you were once mine.

My dear, this is the last request,
lock away the memories of me
in a box, and throw it in the
darkest deepest part of your heart.
Unreachable. Untouched.

But the keys keep safe
for whenever you feel alone
in this barren world,
know that there was once someone
who loved you no matter what.

When I'm gone,
tell someone about me.

- Miqa (20/10/2015)

Heartless is me.

What up.. you know, I've been heartless for as long as i can remember.
I didn't really care for anything that doesn't concern me. Heartless and self centered.
But people often mistaken me for being invincible. Me, invincible? Far from it.
Some things does get to me. And for me, a guy who builds walls and act as he doesn't care, when it hurts, it cuts deep.
Sometimes my feelings would show. I couldn't conceal them too well i guess. Because at times, keeping it together is more important than keeping a poker face.

I actually do have a heart. It's thin, its fragile, and its vulnerable. If not for these walls I've built, I'd be a crybaby, a sissy lil bitch, incapable of managing my own feelings.

So when it comes to topics that involves the heart, like love and so on... it really cuts deep. When i choose to love, its passionate, its fierce, it's raw, and its everything i have and know. I used to think my core was anger and hatred. But its actually love. To build these walls, i loved those feelings. Anger keeps me going. Hatred keeps me from getting hurt again. That's how i mange to tick i guess.

But experience had thought me one thing. These walls that I've built, I'm gonna keep holding on to them. I've let someone in, and look how it turns out. Me broken and shattered.
Frankly, after all the shit i've gone through, i'm a dumbass for even considering to change my ways, or letting someone change me. I should've stick to being an insensitive prick all those years ago.
Showing no mercy, living for nothing but myself. Sure, life had less meaning, but heck, it spares me from the pain.

But I've changed too much. Im not as strong as i used to be. Things that hurt me and could hurt me are piling up. And thanks the change I've been through, I don't think im able to face em alone. I used to be a lone wolf dammit... and settling into that lifestyle again is not an easy thing to do. But I'm tryin. As long as im alone, nothing can hurt me. Just like it was when this all started.

So, a message to dear future me. If you ever read this, and think that you haven't become strong enough, haven't build walls high enough, you better work fast buddy. Time's a tickin. You won't be able to withstand another direct blow. Get your act together kora!

That's all for now. Class dismissed