Problem?

Stories is my forte.
I grew up with them. I read them. I watch them on tv
That's one of the few things I'm good at.
I ain't good in stdies and my brain isn't nearly as advance to understand poetry..

So this is one of the rare oppoturnity I have to accel

found this somewhere... i like it.

A Sudden Crap?

Well...fuck.
Not a single notification and then there's a sudden UAK (Ujian Akhir Kursus)?
this ain't going to reflect well on my finals.
i wasn't even the slightest bit prepared for the freakin' thing, and no amount of open book can help the fact that i'm not prepared and i don't have the slightest bit of information in this empty head of mine.
to make things worse, my migraine has the habit of visiting whenever i'm stressed.
the pain was quite unbearable and i can't even concentrate to a single word i was writing.
people pushing me and pressuring me does't help either.
do this...do that... i need room to think.
if you can't ease that, than don't expect me to follow every single thing you ordered me.

Deprived

Sleep deprevation is a very serious problem. I'm talking through experince here. For the past few weeks, I've been slaving myself, pushing my body to the limit by staying up to complete my work..
It's hard when you are lazy, dumb and forgetful.
To make things worse, my small attention span isn't improving at all.

Back to the main concern.
My sleeping timetable had gone out the window a few weeks ago. With the messed up sleeping timetable, my body is quite worn down.
I'm not in my best condition... and I'm barely hanging on as it is...
The recent changes also put some stress on my mental and also emotional stability.

I am tired. I need an out very soon.

How things are now.

I feel like I'm being used... I just do. Come on. I want to talk bout meager things too. I want.....

But that's just it.
I can't WANT anymore.
So just nut up and shut up.
Get use to it.

I feel nothing.

My nothingness

My mission: feel nothing.

I need to feel nothing. I need to be strong again.

Life lessons

I'm gonna tell you some useful life lessons so you don't screw up in the future.

1. Don't wake a man from his slumbers. (Unless its life or death)

Mysteries of the world

My whole life, I've been surrounded by women. My mom. My big sis. My little sis. My gf/fiancè/wife. (You know who you are)
But even now I still can't understand them. Sure, some part of the month u got to be really careful around them. And they really like to be praised. A lot. They need attention. They are always right even when their wrong. They search for perfection. And so on and so forth.
The list goes on and on and on. Yup. They're complex beings.
And all these complex little details, you would think that they are rock hard..

But nooo...
They're fragile as hell...
I learnt that the hard way.
If I ever get a daughter(hopefully no), I would give her tough love even from a young age.
I'm not gonna let her be fagile.
I need her to be rock hard. But not to the point of heartless (like me)

Man...I really have a lot to learn....

Nujum Pak Belalang

Mind readers...
I don't believe them.
True, some people are gifted with strong intuition.
But that's it...
These things are fueled by the believers who cling to every word...
Yeah, I'm a non believer.
I believe the possibility of the Almighty giving people gifts, but I don't cling to their words.
Its just the way I am...

Its a classic case of nujum pak belalang... you see, pak belalang was a nobody..  due to some coinsidance, he was made into the royal fortune teller...
Peoples' belief made a mountain out of a mole hill...

Like every other counsellor, they would udergo profiling training..
They would seem to be 'reading' you...
Its nothing more than observation...

Later~

This is me. I'm a mess

Passive aggressive behaviour takes many forms but can generally be described as a non-verbal aggression that manifests in negative behavior. It is where you are angry with someone but do not or cannot tell them. Instead of communicating honestly when you feel upset, annoyed, irritated or disappointed you may instead bottle the feelings up, shut off verbally, give angry looks, make obvious changes in behaviour, be obstructive, sulky or put up a stone wall.

It may also involve indirectly resisting requests from others by evading or creating confusion around the issue. Not going along with things. It can either be covert (concealed and hidden) or overt (blatant and obvious).

A passive aggressive might not always show that they are angry or resentful. They might appear in agreement, polite, friendly, down-to-earth, kind and well-meaning. However, underneath there may be manipulation going on - hence the term "Passive-Aggressive".

Passive aggression is a destructive pattern of behaviour that can be seen as a form of emotional abuse in relationships that bites away at trust between people. It is a creation of negative energy in the ether which is clear to those involved and can create immense hurt and pain to all parties.It happens when negative emotions and feelings build up and are then held in on a self-imposed need for either acceptance by another, dependence on others or to avoid even further arguments or conflict.

If some of this is sounding familiar don’t worry – we all do some of the above from time to time. It doesn’t make us passive aggressive necessarily nor does it mean your partner is.

Passive aggression is when the behaviour is more persistent and repeats periodically, where there are ongoing patterns of negative attitudes and passive resistance in personal relationships or work situations.

Some examples of passive aggression might be:
~Non-Communication: when there is clearly something problematic to discuss
~Avoiding/Ignoring: when you are so angry that you feel you cannot speak calmly
~Evading problems and issues, burying an angry head in the sand
~Procrastinating: intentionally putting off important tasks for less important ones
~Obstructing: deliberately stalling or preventing an event or process of change
~Fear of Competition: Avoiding situations where one party will be seen as better at something
~Ambiguity: Being cryptic, unclear, not fully engaging in conversations
~Sulking: Being silent, morose, sullen and resentful in order to get attention or sympathy.
~Chronic Lateness: A way to put you in control over others and their expectations
~Fear of Intimacy: Often there can be trust issues with passive aggressive people and guarding against becoming too intimately involved or attached will be a way for them to feel in control of the relationship
~Making Excuses: Always coming up with reasons for not doing things
~Victimisation: Unable to look at their own part in a situation will turn the tables to become the victim and will behave like one
~Blaming others for situations rather than being able to take responsibility for your own actions or being able to take an objective view of the situation as a whole
~Withholding usual behaviours or roles for example sex, cooking and cleaning or making cups of tea, running a bath etc. all to reinforce an already unclear message to the other party

Passive aggression might be seen as a defence mechanism that people use to protect themselves. It might be automatic and might stem from early experiences. What they are protecting themselves from will be unique and individual to each person; although might include underlying feelings of rejection, fear, mistrust, insecurity and/or low self-esteem.

Patterns of unassertive and passive behavior may have been learnt in childhood as a coping strategy possibly as a response to parents who may have been too controlling or not allowing their child to express their thoughts and feelings freely. To cope, a child might adopt a passive-aggressive behavior pattern.

For example if a child was ridiculed, put-down or punished for openly expressing their feelings or disagreeing with their parents the child would learn to substitute open expression for passive resistance - agreeing with what mum or dad said in order to be a “good child” or not speaking out honestly or at all.

If there was a consistent pattern within the family of punishment or rejection for asserting themselves the child would learn to become highly skilled at passively rebelling. An example of a child rebelling might be around toilet training, withdrawing from family conversation, choosing subjects at school to please parents and then not working hard, around eating and mealtimes - all causing worry and upset to the parents who may have no idea their behaviour is a contributory cause to the problem.

Consequences of Passive Aggressive Behaviour
In being passive aggressive you are not giving yourself or others an opportunity to listen to what you think or feel

When on the receiving end of passive aggression, you can feel confused, upset, offended, guilty and frustrated. You may think you’ve done something wrong, but have no clear idea what it was

It avoids communication in a very negative way

It creates insecurity in all partiesIt creates a bad atmosphere between people

It is a form of conflict where either both or one party cannot engage sensibly in the issues

It avoids the real issues

It creates negative feelings and resentments in an unassertive way

Tips to help you overcome the effects of passive aggressive behaviour

If you have got this far in the article then passive aggression is an area of interest to you and possibly a problem in your life or the life of someone close to you.
Five tips for overcoming your own passive-aggressive behaviours:
~ Become aware of the underlying feelings causing your behaviour
~Become aware of the impacts of your behaviour and how your desire to defeat others, get back at them or annoy them creates yet further uncomfortable feelings for yourself
~Take responsibility for your actions and reactions
~Try to not feel attacked when faced with a problem but instead take an overall objective view of the situation
~Learn to be assertive in expressing yourself. You have a right to your thoughts and feelings so communicate them with honesty and truth and strengthen your relationships

Five tips for coping with the passive-aggressive behaviour of others:
~Become aware of how passive aggression operates and try to be understanding towards your partner
~Explain to your partner how their behaviour towards you is affecting you.
~Communicate calmly without blaming – i.e. talk about how you feel and what you think without using language that will enflame the situation more. For example you might say “I feel upset by your behaviour” rather than “you’ve done this or that”.
~Be aware of your responses to others and yourself– do not blame yourself for the behaviour and reaction of others
~Be honest about your part in the situation

If the aggressive behaviour of others continues to affect you in a negative way, set clear boundaries around yourself – rules for what you will and won’t accept. Stay strong and focused and get on with your life in a positive way.

http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor-articles/what-is-passive-aggressive-behaviour

Teaching Tips

Believe it or not, I'm in training to become a part of the educational force of the nation.
I don't have a tonne of knowledge yet about all this stuff, I'm just learning by experiance here.....

Here are some things I picked up:
1) If you want to hang something in class, for your lesson, make sure it doesn't move around. Its quite distracting

2) Don't be too confident. You look stupid when you messed up, and keep repeating the same mistake

3) Don't be a bore. Just chill for a bit

4) Don't take too much of the student's time. Just...don't.

5) If you know nothing, at least act like you know something... don't waste time with irrelevant things

That's all for now...
Adieu....

Wut~~

Soooo.... here i am, working on my assignments for this semester....and apparently, blogging.

Just a quick post about one of my principles....

The Time Principle (part 1)

Whatever I am doing, I would gladly put aside if another Priority 1 matter comes up.

Example:

Even if I'm on a deadline for and assignment, I would gladly leave it behind just for a quick meeting with my girlfriend which I haven't seen her in days even when I'm still mad about her picture with regards that i had sacrificed my whole morning trying to get over.

Some would see it as irresponsible, leaving my work for personal reasons, but I see it as my principle. 

 That's all for now...

A Lonely Night

A few nights ago, i was out looking for food. 

Beselah, ade hari2 yg cafe x bukak, kene la kuar gak. kene plak time tu duet cash dlm wallet xde.. so, i went to the bank to withdraw some money. 

Lepas kuar duet tuh, i was just about to leave (naek motor) tetibe de org tahan. 

Dgn muke sday nyer, dye ckp nk pinjam RM 200. 

Bdn dye lbay kurang je sme size, so if worse case scenario, i can definitely take him on. 

Lepas dengar dye ckp nk pinjam duet, dlm hati mmg da choose xnk bg pown, tp rse nk entertain him, i asked the reason why he needed the money. (terasa jahat plak...meh)

Dye pown start la cerita....he needed the money sebab menang peraduan maxis n just need 4 kali topup rm50 bru dpt hadiah wang beberapa ribu ringgit. 

Dye siap ckp, 'kalau abg x caye, abg ikot la sye, lepas dpt duet sye pulang balik kt abg'... 

i tried my hardest no to laugh... (again, terasa jht cikit)

Masih de lg rupenyer spesis camni.... 

So in the end, i just went away, never to see him again....

The moral of my story....first of all, xleh caye mende2 tuh (menang peraduan? please...). Logik laa cikit.
Second, mmg logik dye akn masukkn beribu2 dlm akaun pas siap topup tuh. at night.
Third, nmpk sgt dye mmg xde kawan. terpaksa minx stranger to enter something yg x wujud.
Forth, who in their right mind would had over rm200 to complete stranger?
Fifth, psychologically speaking, lg believable kalau dye smart cikit, tp mke pown da mcm tgh high je... (x baek judge org....)

At the end of it all, i still wonder/worry about the mentality of the Malaysian citizen.

A change of taste?

I usually prefer fast paced songs with upbeat music.

it fuels me.

when i feeling down and empty, i would put on my rox playlist (some heavy metal, emo, headbanging, etc.)

i helps me to get out of the depression state..

most people say that these metal songs mean nothing, but to me, they really carry meaning if you listen close enough...i won't take any examples as it would be injustice to all the other great songs..

keeping it simple, i had avoided my rebellious stage of my teen years by channeling my teen angst through these songs

so yeah, i really like them songs...

on the rare occasions, I would enjoy a few slow songs and sentimental songs...

you know, about love and them mushy stuff...

only if they were any good, that is...

but lately, i enjoy listening to really sad and powerful songs..

the example of such songs is the the two latest songs that i was hooked to...

one of them is 'Say Something' by Christina Aguilera and feat A Great Big World.

the powerful vocals and heavy meaning were quite suited for me then

the newest song that i was hooked to was 'Human' by Christina Perri.

its about the helplessnes of oneself...

just enjoy the lyrics down below~

ja nee~

Christina Perri - Human

[Verse 1]

I can hold my breath

I can bite my tongue

I can stay awake for days

If that’s what you want

Be your number one

I can fake a smile

I can force a laugh

I can dance and play the part

If that’s what you ask

Give you all I am

I can do it

I can do it

I can do it

[Chorus]

But I’m only human

And I bleed when I fall down

I’m only human

And I crash and I break down

Your words in my head, knives in my heart

You build me up and then I fall apart

I’m only human, yeah

[Verse 2]

I can turn it on

Be a good machine

I can hold the weight of worlds

If that’s what you need

Be your everything

I can do it

I can do it

I’ll get through it

[Chorus]

But I’m only human

And I bleed when I fall down

I’m only human

And I crash and I break down

Your words in my head, knives in my heart

You build me up and then I fall apart

I’m only human, yeah

[Bridge]

I’m only human

I’m only human

Just a little human

I can take so much

Until I’ve had enough

[Chorus]

‘Cause I’m only human

And I bleed when I fall down

I’m only human

And I crash and I break down

Your words in my head, knives in my heart

You build me up and then I fall apart

‘Cause I’m only human, yeah

Review?

I just finished watching an anime movie called "Steins;Gate. Fuka Ryōiki no Dejavu" or "Steins;Gate the Movie: Loading Area of Déjà vu"

Keeping it short, its about a man that have developed means of time travel and tries to save the ones who are close to him. I'm gonna look for the anime series to better understand the story line and such.


But in the movie, the male protagonist, Okabe Rintaro had finally felt content that everyone close to him are alive and well. But his ability to feel the different timeline is taking its toll on him and causing him to cease to exist. In the reality timeline, no one would remember him and any records of him is erased completely. Its a complex and elaborate explanation but i'm not going there because that's not what THIS post is about.

I was intrigue at the concept of him vanishing from the face of reality and no one would acknowledge that he ever existed.


Imagine what it would be like..to be forgotten.

Imagine that someone you hold dear to you...but nobody remembers them.

Imagine how would you feel, when even you can't remember...but at the back of your mind, you know you need to remember...

Imagine the torture...of nothingness...

Imagine the despair... the feeling that you couldn't do a damn thing about it...


well, that's enough morbidity for one day...

till we meet again, ja nee~

Anger management issue

What the fuck?
Mmg keje ko nyusahkn org laen ea?
Sial sungguh perangai.
Serious. Aside from perangai PERASAN ko tuh, yg ko nk sibuk hal org laen tu npe?
Huh? Shit.
Ak asyik diam je slame ny. Bodoh tol celaka yg sesaje carik pasal. Pe masalah ko sebenarnye?
Ko sibuk hal orang knpe?
Fuck, ko konon tunjuk imej ko baik la? Padahal mcm sampah je
Value? heh. bleh wt gelak laa... Ko belit la sume ayat org lain.
Ko palit la sume salah kt orang lain.
Bkn stakat annoying, ny da tahap motherfucking annoying siot...
Celaka nyer anak haram.

And you wanna know the sad thing?
The haram jadah ckn tw pown...why?
Sbb ak kene jge ati sume org, kene jadik baik, kene diplomatik.
Screw you.

Sumpah ak benci ko.

Writer's Block

Yup. Writer's Block.
I'm having a hard time starting the friggin story...
I'm really pathetic...

Mornings Blues

Hey hoo...

Well, fuck.
I'm just acting cheerful :p
I'm actually really pissed off right now.
So many things fucking up my day
And to top things off, no one is gonna even try to understand
So fuck all this shit.

More on this later

Everyting i do is a joke

Sometimes, its just so friggin annoying. I will always be me.
I do stupid things for the things I care about.
I won't chnge that about myself.
If you can't friggin accept that, just leave me alone.
Whenever I have a problem, you always seem to hve a bigger problem.
That's enough. I'm done.

21 Blackjack

Last stand of Dead Men.

The 8th installment of the Skulduggery Pleasant series.

This is what want for my birthday...that's all....

No questions asked

Have you ever seen a drama/comedy series called How I Met Your Mother.
Its one of my favourite tv shows of all time...
I HIMYM, there's this one episode where they introduced a rule called 'no questions asked'...
Its where someone asked for a favour, well... no questions asked
Its the ultimate favour and must be repaid by another 'no questions asked'

I really like the concept....
its where you can avoid total embrassment and akwrdness...
I'm thinking of applying this rule in my daily life...
Well, I hope it becomes a thing....

Adieu

Depressing much?

Some of my post would be depressing from time to time....
Heck? That's just how I am.
I'm a sad, lonely, and depressing persona.
Once I was bright and cheerful...
Once...

But no more.
I'm just too tired to exert myself to be so peppy and bright.

People see me as sad...
I call it maturity.
No more room for me to beg for attention...
No more will I expose myself to be hurt again and again...

I am done.

This is me.

Silent

I'm the slient type.
Its well known.
I only speak when spoken to.
That's just how I'm wired...

So go ahead... fine someone else for u to talk to... I don't give a damn anymore...

I'll just be here.
Whenever u have problems or doubt.
Come find me. That's I'm here for right?
Use me whenever u want.

Empty

Bad start

Its early morning.. and I'm already confronted with unplesurable situation.

But, seeing that I hd resolve to being more professional this year, I'm doing my best to feel nothing...
Meh, it might last....or it might not...
We'll just have to wait and see...

Come hail come shine...
I don't give a shit what I feel anymore.
Hell, no one cares.

In the shadow.....

I hate the feeling of being in some one elses shadow....
In this case, the shadow of my parents....
I can't seem to escape it....
Almost everywhere I go, people would relate me to my parents.....
Not to blow my own horn.. but my parents are really good teachers....
I mean, really good...
In they hayday, they would make their name known through courses, seminars and such....
It would be an honor to be even the slightest bit like them....

But wht about me?
When will I be recognize as my own self?
Whenever people know I'm my parent's son, they would reflect everything I do to them...
If I did somthing awesome, his their son....

In their shdow.....
Untill I break free of this shadow, I will finally be ME...

A long lost dream...

I think I've mentioned it before...
I really love to read novels...
And with that love, comes a determintion....
I would very much like to make my own novel....

Here I am.....years after that dream etched inself into my brain...
And what do I have to show for it?
Nothing.....
Absolutely nothing.....
Its not like I didn't try, mind you..
I did.... I honestly did....
But somehow, I failed at every attempt....
I had made my dream smaller by trying to make a short story....
Still..... I failed....
I tried to change the ganre or the story and yet....I still failed....

I'm not really sure that this dream would become a reality...
But for me to give up?
Hell no! I'm gonna do this thing.... even if takes me a whole lifetime...
I am gonna publish a book!

That's my new years resolution!

Temper temper disaster....

Go ahead..
Test my patience..
See how far that would get you
Test how far I'm willing to put my head down, enduring all the shit that is thrown at me.

Go on....
Test my good will
Turn that to a sense of obligation
How I take everything and not say a word.

Please...
Test my sincerity...

Regret?
It was long since I used that word.
It might be resurfacing again.

2014~

Heyyo! Tis the new year....
A new start.. a new resolution...
I plan to do a lot of things inthe new year...
To read more...
To understand more....
To work out more...
And the list would go on...

Well, planning is a lot easier than actually doing...
The first day of the classes and already one of my resolve was tested..
I'm starting to doubt my ability to fullfil my resolves for this year..
I just know that this year would be another shitty year...
Meh, cest la vid....

While the chatter of how each and every one spend their holiday and how everyone did on their exams goes all around me, I realized something.....

I'm different.

That's not really a good thing....
I don't have any stories to share cause...well...I don't have any...
My holiday was as boring as boring could be...

I didn't go to some fancy theampark...
I didn't suffer from the flood...
I didn't see any good movies....
.....well......thts not the whole truth....
I saw some pretty awesome movies...but no one to share with... I would really enjoy going to the cinema once in a while...but in my current economic condition, well... let's just say tht I can barely buy food...

I'm getting side tracked here....

The point is.... I don't have anything good to share...
I like to talk... but I'm not that good at conversations....

My battry is running out..
Till next time...
Ja nee....